Currently…..This Is How I’m Feeling

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It’s been a tough couple of years.  I’m really hoping for a change.  It just seems to have been one thing after another the past few years.  Although I’ve certainly had things worse than they are currently, life was thrown up in the air the past few weeks health wise.  I’ve had medical appointments galore the past couple of weeks and the week before last I was inolved in a car crash.  Let’s just say someone thought in fun to turn right straight in front of us, no indicators, nothing.  Result?  A rather crunched car.  In the bigger scheme of things that isn’t a big thing.  The important thing was we both climbed out of the car.  I say climbed, I opened the door and got out.  The driver however, had to climb over and get out the passenger side as the drivers door woudn’t open.  Explains fully why a reletively tiny dent on the drivers side bumper resulted in a seven month old car being written off.

Walking away with little more than bumps and bruises has got me thinking how near to the end of my nine lives I must be.  Last year was hell for more than one reason.  Nearly seven weeks in hospital and nearly dying after going in to a coma then the issues with my immune system really brought my mortality to the forefront.  If I said 18 months on I was over it, I really would be lying.  I can’t explain what effect it had on me, how I was so tired and exhausted from my body having to fight to live.  I’m still so exhausted all of the time.  I have a few autoimmune illnesses which mean I’ve been pretty exhausted for most of the last 25 years but this is a new level of exhaustion but the past 18 months has been a whole new level of exhaution.

With everything that has gone on the past 18 months my confidence has also been given a huge knock too.  I fully understand how vain this sounds but when all my hair fell out I seemed to lose part of me.  I’ve had short hair before but that was always my fault.  I have no say in my hair falling it.  I felt ‘grey’ as I was so ill and lacking enery and suddenly I had no hair to hide behind; my comfort blanket had left me.  Vain, I know!

Everything just seems to take so long to complete and if I’m honest I’m rather impatient with myself when I’m not achieveing things that I know I can or in the time I know I am able to complete something.  I guess this is where some self care needs to come in to play and stop being so hard on myself and make time for some self care.

I think my current feeling is ‘lost’.  I seem to have lost me, lost ,y energy, my enthusiasm and my motivation.  Although it’s been a hard slog I know that things are improving, a little slower than I’d like but with the support of those around me life will become easier.  I guess I just needed another reminder of how lucky I am.

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